today.

it's hard to watch noah all day when justin's not here. at least some days i get to go nanny so i'm not home alone. sometimes the days when i'm not out doing anything are the most exhasuting.

song of the day: sensible heart, by city and colour
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVzVe2wyAYA&feature=related
--you can fast forward about a minute and 20 seconds, the intro is really long and fuzzy, but the song is fantastic.

poem of the day: to all the boys i've loved before, by mayda del valle
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9tlQMSovCk
--she is amazing, i love love love this poem. so heartfelt.

the beautiful pictures that amy took!

these are pictures that amy took the other day. noah has never looked more handsome. thanks to amy for being one of the most wonderful people i have ever met.

a message to anyone who wants a baby young

soooo...i'm not a teenager anymore. today i am 20. it doesn't really feel like it. i keep forgetting actually...
justin got me some goofy presents and a starbucks card, and he took me out to lunch. it's been nice spending the day with him. we're probably going to go to the drive-in tonight and see harry potter (again).
it's amazing how sometimes your life can be completely different than you ever imagined it being, and you can love it just the same. i always imagined i would be doing missions work every summer, and traveling with different groups...but i'm not. i'm here with noah and justin, i nanny, i just finished summer class (english--i got a 95%...yeeeeah.) life is different than i thought it would be on my 20th birthday, but that's not a bad thing at all. i think people are always searching for that one thing that makes their life fulfilling, and sometimes it's easier to come by than any of us thought.
people tell me sometimes that they don't know how i do it. they don't know how i take care of noah by myself about 90% of the time. they say that they never could have gone through being pregnant and leaving North Park for a community college, and they don't know how i stayed strong through everything that i went through. when you look at the big picture, yeah, sometimes things seem so impossible. but we learn to live through things moment by moment. at times i don't know how i did all that. the telling my parents i was pregnant, the doctor's appointments, the stares at the mall, the birth, the c-section, the sleeping 2 hours at a time for 6 months, and then 3 hours at a time for another 3 months, the nighttime feedings, the diaper changes...but if you love someone enough you can do it.
all these high school girls think it's all awesome to have a baby young, because you get attention, you get to name him or her, you get to dress the baby up and take them out and people ooh and ah over him or her...but that's only a small part of it. motherhood sometimes means being more tired than you thought was possible. you have to learn to operate on empty day after day after day. it means bringing the baby's high chair and breakfast into the bathroom in the morning just so you can get a shower in. for any young girl who wants to have a baby right now, please, please think harder about it. think about giving up school, time, friends, prom, sleep, energy, and freedom. motherhood (and that's what having a baby is: being someone's mother. can you fathom that?) is the hardest thing you have ever had to do thus far. listen to someone who has been there. but for now, i am victorious.
this moment right here, me sitting here writing this with a cup of coffee at my side on my 20th birthday, with noah taking a much needed nap upstairs, this moment is victorious. for now i have come out on the other side in victory.
for a mother, and especially a young mother, every moment that you look on and think, "you know, things are really good right now. we're all going to be okay," is a victorious moment.
so to mothers who are reading this in victory, congratulations.
and to mothers who are too young, or too scared, or too alone, or too anxious about the future, you are going to be okay. your little one is going to be okay, just get through this moment. all you can do is stay at God's side and get rest while you can, and live each day moment by moment. eventually, someday, you will be victorious.




song of the day: undiscovered, by james morrison
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtE18O555_k


poem of the day: hope, by emily dickenson

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

i just found my ipod. yay.

so noah is sitting in his high chair drinking juice from a sippy cup (with no hands!) and he has pesto sauce all over his face. miss amy was just over taking pictures of him! super cute, in his little overalls and some in just his onesie. and we can't forget the red balloon! he got a red balloon from the verizon store today. i had to go get my phone replaced, and they had this balloon display. noah walked in and started yelling, "a-boon! a-boon!" he was so excited, balloons are his favorite thing right now (besides food). the manager was cracking up, so he went to the back and got a red helium balloon for noah. noah could hardly believe it was his to keep. when i had to take it away from him during dinner, he was the saddest baby in the whole world. but now he's full and happy, so it's time for a bath and bed.

and by the way, i don't know why, but the timing on my posts is off. it's two hours early for some reason.

song of the day: sunglasses at night (by corey hart) hahahahahahaha!
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2LTL8KgKv8

poem of the day: my miller chill, by rafael casal
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFvrb_DSrlY
---this poem is amazing, the quality is not fantastic, but rafael casal is incredibly talented.

song of the day: limón y sal by julieta venegas
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF-U8V894RA

poem of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzyrHsYTveE&feature=PlayList&p=783655EEAA236FEF&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=20
bassey ikpi! this poem makes me cry half the time :)

yesterday was so much fun. we went to chinatown and ate a ton of food, lol. i also got earrings. they are super awesome and they were only 5 bucks. unbelievable. you can get anything at chinatown for like half the price something like that would sell for anywhere else.
my mom, noah and i went to the farmers market today. the weather was gorgeous, and i carried noah in his little sling on my hip. he kept poking people and being chatty. he's getting so big, i can't believe how much older he looks. he loves reading--he's truly his mother's child, haha. i took the carseat out of justin's car the other day and put it in the living room for the time being. a couple days ago, noah was running around the living room while i was doing something, and he got really quiet, so i went over to see what he was getting into--he was sitting in the carseat looking at "the very hungry caterpillar" and pointing to all the pictures.

my boys

justin is here. yay! he drove over from chicago last night. i kept noah up until like 9:45 so he could see his daddy. they read like 5 books together and snuggled while noah drank his milk. noah was so excited to see him, he started jumping up and down on justin's lap.
when justin knocked on the front door, i brought noah with me to open it, and justin swept him right up in his arms and noah just looked at justin with this face like, "is it really you? where did you come from?" then he got really excited and smiley. i love that noah is so happy to see justin, and vice versa. i love that we pray over noah at night, and even if things are hard, it's still peaceful. we are our own little family, and that is so precious.

song of the day: I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You), by John Mayer
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvLxOSxl35A

poem of the day: somewhere i have never travelled (i don't know if that's the actual title...) bu ee cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

i love target

i can't go into target without getting like 12 different things. fortunately, today i had an excuse for buying stuff: noah needed onesies, and justin and i have friends whose daughter is turning one next month. i love buying girl clothes, love love love. target has the best kid clothes for like a third of the cost of baby gap.
but anyway, song of the day, poem of the day.

song: Talking Bird, by Death Cab for Cutie
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIIXXTqGCpg&feature=PlayList&p=B990532F0BBC478B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=23
(sorry it's connected to a playlist and it's not the recorded version--it's a live version.)

poem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t7UsbvF4qY
this girl is so talented.

how quickly i forget i'm Yours

i feel like maybe i'm meant to be in a position of solitude. i used to take human interaction for granted. it was difficult transitioning from high school, where i saw the same 2,300 people every day, to college, where people were constantly around, to this. this solitary life at home. now i'm realizing more than ever that the quality of time you spend around people is much more important than the quantity. i would much rather have a meaningful, one-on-one conversation with a friend than make small talk with many people. sometimes being home with noah and having no car and few friends in the area is difficult; sometimes it makes me feel out of touch with the rest of the world.
justin says that maybe this is a time when i need to be focusing on God, and maybe He is giving me all this solitary time for a reason. maybe it's a cleansing thing...like i'm getting rid of all the negative energy of negative people, and the people i should be spending time with will be there for me when i need them. i need to spend more time with God, and i know that very well. instead of turning to the TV or computer during my "down time" to relax and unwind, i need to turn to the Word.
how quickly i forget i'm Yours.

bob dylan

i'm about to skip out to go to a meeting for my english class (i finished my research paper except for the conclusion), but i wanted to write this down before i forgot.

today noah and i were chatting as we ate breakfast. he was being loud and silly and trying to say "banana" (nah nah!). then we were quiet. after a few seconds, noah turned to me and said (so clearly) "bob dylan." i'm so serious. bob dylan. maybe we have a budding musician on our hands. sign this kid up for guitar lessons.

song of the day/poem of the day.

i've decided to do a song of the day thing, and a poem of the day (either from def poetry on youtube or one i've found). they might not change everyday. it might be more like every 3 or 4 days. but it should be interesting.

song of the day: Hello, I'm in Delaware (City and Colour)
link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b-cazkmLnU


poem of the day:

After Years
by Ted Kooser

Today, from a distance, I saw you
walking away, and without a sound
the glittering face of a glacier
slid into the sea. An ancient oak
fell in the Cumberlands, holding only
a handful of leaves, and an old woman
scattering corn to her chickens looked up
for an instant. At the other side
of the galaxy, a star thirty-five times
the size of our own sun exploded
and vanished, leaving a small green spot
on the astronomer's retina
as he stood on the great open dome
of my heart with no one to tell.

i drink far too much coffee. then again, i have far too little energy. i go to bed at 10:30 and wake up at 7:30 still exhausted. i write 10-page research papers and watch a 4-year-old, a 6-year-old, and noah (who is an energy drainer if i ever met one! but in a good way.) i come home from nannying, go to class, come home, play with noah, put him to bed, do homework, and go to sleep. coffee is a necessary aspect of my life. without it i think i would grind to a halt in the middle of a diaper change. coffee is a good thing.

my heavy heart

noah is the most beautiful boy. he has olive skin and gorgeous deep brown eyes. his hair is a shade or two darker than mine and somewhere between wavy and curly. he literally has the longest eyelashes i have ever seen. it's always the boys that get that, isn't it? he has eight teeth, four and top and four on the bottom, and he really knows how to use them. he's so strong. he started walking just a week before he turned 9 months, and has never stopped. people always say, "he's so sturdy! look at him go!" i can tell he's starting to lose his leg-chubs. he's so active, the only time he isn't running around is when he's sitting in his car seat or sleeping. even then he's kicking and rolling around. i wish i could convey to you how wonderful he is, but it's not even possible to put into words. he has this brightness about him; he is so joyful.

sometimes i think about what i would have been like if i had given him up for adoption. i don't think i could stand it. i think i would have become lost inside myself and overcome with longing. i think i would have sunk deeper still into the vortex i was spiraling down at the time i got pregnant. i would have tried to cope by occupying every spare moment of time with something, in an effort to fill that un-fillable hole that i know would be there if noah was gone. 

this is so hard.

this is the hardest thing in the world. staying up and wondering if i can give my child everything he needs. look at how many people could have been better if only their parents had done this or that better. look at how much pain people feel because their mother said this or did that. look at all the dangerous things in this twisted and depraved world that i can't save or protect him from. at times when i was pregnant i would feel guilty that i was bringing a child into such a crooked world. i can't watch the nightly news, and i haven't been able to since i found out i was pregnant. i left the room crying, and i still do. when i hear about three teenagers dead in a shooting, or a baby boy drowned or kidnapped, i think "that is someone's child. that is total and complete devastation. how will they survive?"

i often think about how noah will be a year from now, or two years, or five or ten. how old will he be the first time he tells me he hates me? how old will he be the first time he swears or falls into the temptation of his peers? how old will he be when i can't protect him from anything anymore? this is the hardest thing i've ever done, and what if this is the easy part?

sometimes the future is suffocating. sometimes it is too much to think of things in such long spans of time. taking things moment by moment is at least bearable, but at this moment, my heart is heavy. 

the truth is, i am scared of myself.

an introduction

i have a 14-month-old son named noah, and i'll be 20 next week.

that's right, i'm (gasp!) a young single mother. 

some people are just amazing about it, like, "i know you must be a great mom, he's such a happy boy, and that's really a reflection of your energy towards him. he's so intelligent. what a gorgeous little boy."

some people are awkward about it, like, "wow, you're really young...how old are you? and you have a baby already...?"

some people are mean about it, like, "well at least i'm not a whore...18-years-old and knocked up, i mean seriously, have you heard of a condom? didn't you use one?"

and my answer is, yes, i have. and i did. thanks for your concern. but no one can ever make me feel guilty for giving my son the most precious gift: life. the world would not be nearly so wonderful without him.

i'm a full time A-student in college, i take night, weekend, and online classes so i can spend as much time with noah as possible. i don't push him off onto my parents like some girls do; noah is not my parents' responsibility. he is my responsibility. i am a part-time nanny for two adorable kids whom i have taken care of for about 2 1/2 years, and noah comes with me when i watch them.

noah's father was gone before i could even tell him the baby was his. he just assumed i was sleeping around, but on the "off chance" that he was going to become a father, he decided to skip out and leave the country for awhile. rumor has it, he's back from mexico and living with his sister in rockford. his name is adriel. he used to work at the baskin robbins in the north riverside mall in cicero. if anyone finds him, keep in touch. but truthfully, i just want to tell him, "look, this is your son. he looks just like you, look at his eyes. look at his hair. look at his ears, and his mouth and his toes. this is your baby, this is what you've been missing out on." my son doesn't deserve a father that never wanted him in the first place, so thank God for justin.

Justin is my boyfriend and, hopefully, someday soon he'll be my fiance. we've been together for over a year and a half. we started dating when i was three months pregnant. he was there for me at my doctor's appointments, in the hospital when i had noah, and he loves noah as if noah were his own son. in our eyes, noah is his son. justin is the one he calls "Dada."

so that's about all i have to say about all this. that's my past, and this blog is going to be about my present and my future. 

"my future's so bright, i gotta wear sunglasses." lol.

quotes i love

"I want you like people in ads pretend to want tacos."

"I'm not Jesus Christ, but I can turn water into Kool-Aid."

"I don't always eat breakfast, but when I do, I prefer dos eggies. Stay hungry, my friend."